C-2

Okay. Well I guess we are just friends. I'm probably not going to move on for a while but I will try.  You will always be in my heart, no matter what.  I will always love you.  Because you are my first love.  And my first everything. I love you.  Goodbye. 

I just want to be with you. Is that so bad? Why don't I get a say in anything. Why do you have to decided it. I'm just here like dead meat..

He has decided. To not put me in his life. And that's final. I thought I still had a chance because he still loves me but I guess not. He tells me to move on, but I don't want to and I don't want to go though the same thing again. I don't even want to speak to anyone anymore, he is my world and now that he is gone. Does that mean my world is gone? 

Five months  With five words  S o much memories  All ending  So much love   All fading Right now I'm totally numb  I feel nothing

Hi.... Today a few minutes ago.. You said "I don't love you anymore" that crushed me inside. For some reason I keep telling myself you're lying but I don't know anymore... I didn't know you could hurt me so much with five simple words. Was five months nothing to you? Was it all a joke? W as I nothing to you? 

Why is everyone telling me not to be friends with him... People say it's not healthy for me, and I think I know that. But they don't know him like I do and they don't know me. They  don't understand that we only want each other, and he's the only one I need. People tell me to put myself out there, but I don't want to. I have hope that in the end we will end up together, but everybody's bringing me down. They say that once he starts dating somebody i'll feel worse than I feel now, but I don't think it can get worse than this. I just want to be loved by him.

The worst thing that could happen, is if you've cried so much that there's no more tears coming out. You can't cry anymore, even if you tried. You try to let it out but something stopping you, and you don't know what to do anymore....

Today I spent my whole day with my best friend! I love her, she is the only one who I tell everything to. We went to get ice cream, then go to the park and guess who I saw... I saw him for the first time since what happened. I don't know what to do, I thought. I didn't know what to tell him. I tried to seem the happiest that I could but maybe that wasn't good enough. He gave me a hug, I don't know if it was the last hug that I'll ever get but it was the first hug that made my heart break into 1 million pieces... The feeling of his touch lingers on me now. I felt the warmth all over my body and I knew I probably did something wrong. I don't know if it was a mistake or if it wasn't. Today I took all of the pictures that we took and put it into a collage. I play it back all the time thinking that it's just a dream and that I'll wake up the next day being with him and being happy, but I know that won't happen because he's gone . 

Good morning!  I miss you! And I slept with the panda you got me from Valentine's Day. I know it sounds weird but it's only been 2 nights since that day. But anyway I wrote another song but technically it wasn't a happy song. Hahaha but you called me today seeing if I was okay. But I'm not. I sound like a total emo I know. Hahaha that's not what I want to be. I'm trying to get better and be better but my feelings for you won't stop. Everything reminds me of you. And I don't know what else to think. Even just sitting at my dinner table is bad because you always ate dinner with my family.. I know. I should stop this but something is telling me that you will come back. And I hope you will. But something else is telling me you aren't. So it's me, your cupcake. If you are reading this. That would be nice but if not then it's okay. I'll be fine...

Once our song plays  I cry  And all these memories come flooding in like a storm  Like when we danced our first slow dance to this singer  Or how you tried learning guitar for me  When you came to me when I was crying outside  I said that the bad out weighs the good  But maybe I was wrong  Maybe I just wasn't looking Because now I know that I lost you  I know you still love me  And I know you just want me to be happy That's what you said  But I'm the happiest when  I'm  With  You. 

Now that I found you I lost you...

I look around the room again.. And everything reminds me of you. The things you bought me and the things we collected when we traveled.. I know I'm young and I should get over it but no matter how old you are, when you love someone and it vanishes in an instant. It hurts. 

So I'm going to start my blogging again.. This Febuary I got my first boyfriend! And we had our ups and downs but we made it through. I loved him and I still do. Until July 8th that's when it ended. Our 5 months were gone in an instant. Don't get me wrong. We are still friends, but I don't know if I can handle that. Because I still love him. He was my world and still is. Who would have thought that it would end like this. We didn't end in a fight but sorta like an agreement and now I'm regretting everything I said. Did I make a mistake? I don't know anymore.. Well I'm going to start my blog again. So I can get everything out 😁